A lot of parents spend the day their child is born celebrating. It's a joyous time filled with visitors, and pictures. Or at least lots of baby cuddles.
I didn't. I spent it in tears fearing for my baby's life. I know I'm not alone, I know that countless others had similar NICU experiences. But what about the ones who carried a full term healthy baby and then the birth is where things became complicated? And then that baby was transferred to another hospital without you? I haven't found them yet. It could be a lack of searching on my part. A deep self conscious part of my existence that savors just one experience that's all for me. What if I found another mom who went through what I did? What if she handles it "better" than me?
I'm overwhelmed with jealousy of others who had an experience where they were never separated from their baby. This all leads me to the conclusion I cannot do it again myself until I can be genuinely happy. How can I be happy for myself if I'm not happy for the mother next to me?
This is not to say I haven't made progress in the last year. I can talk about it now, I can ask other mother's about their experiences without blurting out spiteful, argumentative comments.
I like to think I will get there.
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