PTSD- its not just our veterans

I don't speak often of my leftover mental scarring from Andy's birth. I do suffer from PTSD and it rears an ugly head.

A lot of women that I know have been having more babies lately. I'm so happy for them! In the past, I had deep feelings of jealousy and anxiety over someone I knew giving birth. Now I feel an overwhelming joy for them. It is so much more than that.

It's reading of another birth, seeing another happy friend holding her new born. And it hits me, like a soldier back from war hearing a gun shot. I'm there, tears are pouring down my face. My baby, not breathing. My baby, being taken away from me. I can smell the hospital. I can hear the monitors beeping. I look at my now toddler, and I think of how close he came to never being here at all.

I breathe.

Why do I breastfeed my children?

I finally watched the documentary Breast Milk on Netflix after I gave birth to Jane. 

One of the more interesting things they pointed out was that every woman who breastfeeds has a reason.

 It is more than just because it's healthier than formula. If it was that simple, no woman would give her child formula. Who doesn't want their child to have the healthiest food they can provide? No, there is more to it. More than the antibodies, more than the lowered risk of health problems including cancers. 

Why do I give my children my breast milk?

I believe in my milk. The way some people believe in God, I believe in my milk. 

My son was born not breathing, and once I knew he was going to live and needed to eat, I knew he needed my milk. I didn't produce anything the first couple days, but once I did, I knew he needed it. His brain had been damaged, and what's the healthiest formula for brain development? Breast milk.

So I pumped, pumped and pumped some more. Before every bottle, and after every bottle. 

3 months in, I gave up. I was depressed, pouring the formula was easier. I was slowly getting less and less each time. I was so proud of those 3 months. 

I still believe breast milk is the best any child can drink. I will continue to give Andy my milk until he's 5, when his brain has done the majority of its development. 

I breastfeed Jane because I can. I don't take my ability to give her what's the most natural source of nutrients for granted. I breastfeed for women who can't. I breastfeed because I wasn't able to the first time. I do it for that little smirk she gives me when she's content at my breast.

I can't imagine feeding her any other way.

Twice as Much

As I write this, I can hear the motor grinding on my breast pump and my coffee is cold. I'm pumping the milk for Andy's morning bottle.

After giving up pumping when he was 3 months old, I never thought I would miss him having my milk so much. Now its a treat to have the time to pump for him.

Balancing both kids is easy and hard at the same time. Its twice as many diapers, twice as many trips to the car, and twice as much love.