I don't speak often of my leftover mental scarring from Andy's birth. I do suffer from PTSD and it rears an ugly head.
A lot of women that I know have been having more babies lately. I'm so happy for them! In the past, I had deep feelings of jealousy and anxiety over someone I knew giving birth. Now I feel an overwhelming joy for them. It is so much more than that.
It's reading of another birth, seeing another happy friend holding her new born. And it hits me, like a soldier back from war hearing a gun shot. I'm there, tears are pouring down my face. My baby, not breathing. My baby, being taken away from me. I can smell the hospital. I can hear the monitors beeping. I look at my now toddler, and I think of how close he came to never being here at all.
I breathe.
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