Day 3

I should have known that no good has ever come from silence. Andy was silent, so I went to check on him when the alarm went off. This is what I found.

He was sweating badly. Immediately I undressed him, changed his diaper, and gave him a few minutes to cool down. After 10 minutes he still felt hot. The next step was to take his temperature. 99.5. Not a problem; however, warmer than any temperature I've taken for him. His skin felt sticky, and he looked green. More seizures. Long, horribly clusters lasting 4 minutes this time. I fed him breakfast, he fell asleep. On and on today my baby slept. He woke 2 hours later, still not looking too good. I took him out for a walk, dressed lightly, so he could cool off in the breeze. He was silent, and looking around. No seizures. We came home and he fell asleep as we walked in the door. He slept for another hour. Lunch, his therapist arrived. Andy smells bad. A sickly smell. We discuss all the progress he has made in the last month. She leaves, he falls asleep. This is our day. More throwing up.

Daddy came home, and helped. He understands why the house isn't clean. He tries to play with Andy. Not a lot of response, and Andy goes back to being a newborn, cuddled between his parents on the bed.

We had to wake Andy for his final feeding of the night. It felt reminiscent of his first nights home and being too tired from the phenobarbital. He appeared nauseous. One bite of food to get down the medicine, and a bottle for the rest of the medicine. Seizures began during the feeding; this was the first feeding from Daddy that he seized during. Salt was being rubbed into my wounds, watching Daddy hug him and whisper "Stay with me," the same words I repeat all day long during the seizures when I'm alone.

Our bags are packed now. The same bags that I was going to pack tonight, back when we believed we would be visiting my family. Very different but the same.